sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
