did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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