What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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