You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
