Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
