if i can run in heels then i can drive
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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