The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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