Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So vagazzling was a success
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
