I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
