You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
