Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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