Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
