I'm sorry my penis didn't work
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
