that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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