Moan for me like Helen Keller
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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