How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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