worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
