You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
