I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
