yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
