$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
