just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
