this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
