if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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