I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My ATM looks so different sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
