Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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