Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
