community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
