i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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