I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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