Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
