This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
