Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
