I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
