kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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