Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
