Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize