Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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