We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
