Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize