i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
