I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
