; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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