We named our party play list daddy issues
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize