I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
