Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
