Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
