I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
