this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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