He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
