when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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