Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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