So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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