Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
