there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
