If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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