Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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