he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
