The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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