Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
