Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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