Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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