so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
