I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
